my world, my true

At 33 months, Knox knows why he loves his mom.

Knox (hugging me at bedtime): I really love you…since you have a cool face.

{drawing butterflies}

It’s hard to tell from the picture, but what happened here was that Knox found a dead butterfly (“Let’s take him to his Mommy!”) that he wanted desperately to “play” with. His matching obsession combined with his love for uniting babies and their mommies had him searching for his toy butterfly which matched perfectly it’s real life specimen. Knox decided to try his hand at creating his own butterflies on paper. A few curvy lines and a proud Mama were the end result (and, of course, lots of teeny tiny pieces of butterfly wings scattered around our living room).

At 2 1/2 years old, Knox knows what he loves.

Me (reading the end of a book): What are some things that YOU love?

Knox: Ummm…I love dinosaurs…and baskets*…KK**…I love stars…(looks at me sweetly)… I love you and, and…I love my cookie***. And Daddy. And Lately.

*there was a basket sitting next to us
**referring to his Care Bear
***he was holding a cookie that he was eating as slowly as humanly possible, including licking it.

Time is flying by. Little Lately is already 5 months old, finding her voice, sitting up and reaching for the stars. Her laugh is a squeal of delight that she’s begun to let out more often these days. Chasing her brother up the stairs or through the yard, kicking and splashing in the bathtub, peeking behind a pillow to find me and of course, getting tickled right in the tiny spot above her ribs are all sure-fire ways to catch the perfection that is her giggles. 

My favorite time of the day with her is bathtime, because it’s her favorite time of the day. She starts kicking her feet like crazy as soon as I start running the water and breaks down in tears when I move her to the other room to undress her, then kicking all over again when we return to the bathroom and her prayers are answered. She gets water EVERYWHERE because she kicks and moves around so much, she’s so excited about it, she even almost pulled herself to standing in her little baby bathtub trying to reach a cup of water the other day!

Speaking of movement, she’s not holding back in that department. She wants to GO. She’s sitting up pretty much independently, although she’s still a little wobbly, she can hold her balance and catch herself when she starts to lean in one direction but she does still teeter and fall every now and then. She’s just so, so strong, though, it’s crazy. She’s got the fiercest grip which she uses to her advantage when her brother tries to snatch toys away from her, and also to get him back for said snatching by grabbing ahold of his curls if they are anywhere within her reach.

And, ladies and gentlemen, Lately has found her voice. Oh my, has she ever. As a baby and young child, I was nicknamed “Yellin’ Ellen” by my family members thanks to all of the racket I made when things weren’t going my way (which was pretty much all of the time, according to them); so Lately has come by this skill honestly. Sometimes she will just sit there, playing with a toy and scream for no reason at all, just to test it out, I suppose. Other times, her scream is used to let me know I’m not going fast enough for her. She’s perfected the fake cry and gets it worked up in no time…and I’m a huge sucker for it, too, fake as it may be.

It’s hard to believe it’s been 5 months. 5 months ago we became a family of four, but it sure feels like she’s been here all along.

Today was a happy day. This morning, the kids & I left the house early and were able to drop Tarrell off at work (he typically walks). On the short drive to his office, Knox asked for a song that Tarrell had made up for him a few weeks ago. So, we sang the song loudly from the front seats & Knox giggled with delight from the back.

When we arrived at the office, instead of kicking the seat and protesting in high-pitched squeals like he normally does, Knox pleasantly said, “bye bye, Daddy. I wuv you!” as Tarrell closed the car door to leave us. I wanted to reward Knox for displaying such distinguished behavior and found my opportunity minutes later when he requested to hear the song we had been singing. He wanted to “hear it in da car” (which is means he wants it played on the speakers, as opposed to having it sung by me). Since the song was a Tarrell original, there would be no searching YouTube on my iPhone to play it for him. So, I decided to call Tarrell & let him know he had a special request from his biggest fan. I plugged the phone into the adapter & without hesitation, Tarrell began to sing loudly,

There’s a dinosaur at the beach and everybody knows.

There’s a dinosaur at the beach & everybody knows…

That he’s gonna eat your toes when you go!

Today was of those days when I realized how very blessed my children and I really are. As I listened to his sweet voice resounding from my car speakers, happy and without reservation, I had a brief feeling of deja vu as I remembered the numerous times I had daydreamed of my future husband, the would-be father of my children, doing things just like this.

My college room mate, Mary & I used to “test” potential love interests by playing a sort-of game with them called “Is He a Good Dad?” The test is hard to describe in writing, but basically we would do a very odd dance move we invented and ask the guy to imitate us. This game stemmed from our idea that good parents play along with their children’s shenanigans no matter how ridiculous they may look doing so. So, if the guy imitated our crazy moves, he received the “good dad” seal of approval. You have no idea how many guys we confused (and probably scared away) by performing this test, but you would also be surprised to find out that there were very few who passed.

Today, the man I chose to marry (who passed this test years ago), sat at a desk in front of a computer, in a thinly walled room adjacent to his co-workers and sang out to his son because there’s nothing more important to him than seeing Knox happy, or than giving Knox the security and fulfillment that comes with having a Dad who listens to you and compromises himself for your sake. And Tarrell didn’t even think twice about it. It just came naturally to him. Just a small thing, a tiny moment that I will cherish forever, one that made Knox’s day…and ultimately has made my life.

Have I mentioned recently that I have a 2 year old? I’m sure many parents have compared life with a toddler to a roller coaster ride, and these days, I can’t help but echo that sentiment. Melodrama and overreaction are constant. He would rather watch TV than hang out with me. He ignores nearly every request I dare to utter in his direction, yet demands my full attention when he wants it. He lies, pushes me past my limits and tests every ounce of patience I own. And when he looks into my eyes and tells me he loves me…amnesia strikes and I melt into a weepy, guilt-filled puddle. It’s pretty emotionally draining and I’m often reminded of what it felt like to be an insecure teenager dating a selfish 17 year-old boy.

Ironically, I’m now in charge of making sure that my child doesn’t turn out to be that awful boyfriend. Perpetually seeking effective ways to approach misbehavior, I sometimes find myself questioning every move I make while trying desperately to provide consistent and constructive discipline. 

I’m quickly starting to realize that getting through the exasperating times means savoring and not losing sight of the amazing ones. It means understanding that he is two, doing my best not to over-analyze his behavior, giving him room to release his frustration appropriately and opportunities to succeed while also allowing him to fail with grace, humility and company.

Taking a deep breath during a tantrum and instead of seeing a screaming mess, trying to look beyond the piercing squeals and finding the little boy who insists on having me all to himself at bedtime, lying on his bedroom floor as he runs his fingers through my hair and requests my rendition of “Rainbow Song” (Somewhere Over the Rainbow) over and over and over again - this has made the tough times easier.

This same little person, who intentionally threw a wooden box at my head just minutes before, became so instantly enchanted by his first look at a ballerina in a music box that he could not resist smothering the tiny dancer in kisses. He’s unbelievably wild yet perfectly gentle. He’s as extreme in his distaste for sharing with his friends as he is in his love for them. He’s getting big but he’s still so, so small. He’s suddenly autonomous and simultaneously entirely dependent upon me. His wails often end in laughter and his cries in tears of joy…and it’s all just part of the ride.

So, I think that the next time he refuses to nap and is bouncing off of the walls all afternoon, instead of grinding my teeth in annoyance, I will smile and remember that in a few hours, he will be so tired that he will let me rock him to sleep for the first time in a long, long time…and that, as soon as he’s asleep and I gently close his bedroom door, I’ll immediately miss him so much I’ll wish he’d wake back up and climb into bed with me.

Somebody found her feet.

But, make no mistake about it…thumbs are still her favorite.

I continue to be stunned at how much she can change in just one month. She has absolutely become her own little person with a big personality. I really had forgotten how fun babies are. Part of me assumed I would be a bit bored with her seeing as how entertaining Knox is at his age, but, alas, I was dead wrong. I could lean over the bed talking to and smiling at her for hours on end. 

As you can tell from the picture, she’s found her hands. She looks like a little nun as if she’s always praying or sitting contently waiting for something…until she realizes she can chew on them and then she goes to town. She has also started playing with small toys now that she’s able to grasp. Her hands are still too small for a ring or a very thick rattle, but she has a few small toys that she really enjoys (I’m trying to put together an infant montessori post to share the materials I have for her, but time is not on my side. Hopefully I’ll get it together one of these days).

Her giggles and coos are the most precious thing in the entire world. She’s recently started squealy, squeaky laughs, but she doesn’t give those away so easily…I’ve got to work hard to hear that wonderful sound. She will, however, imitate certain sounds if she’s not too distracted. I don’t remember Knox being so clever at such a young age and I can’t get enough of that game! She’ll blow raspberries back to me, imitate me saying “Ohhh!” (including the inflection in my voice!).

We’re still working through some challenges because she is still a pretty fussy baby, especially when approached with the idea of riding in her car seat for any length of time or asked to endure past the hour of 5:00 p.m. I’m still holding out hope that these things will get easier for her very soon, but for now, we’re pushing through and trying to keep her as comfortable as possible. I can’t answer every cry like I did with Knox, but I try my best to let her know I’m here and I care. Being a baby can be tough work, after all.

I told Tarrell the other day that I wish she would stay this age forever, though I really don’t mean it, there are definitely some days I wish would go on and on as we stare into each others eyes having our first girl talks; tiny secrets, squeaky giggles, millions of kisses and snuggles. It really, truly never gets old.

I’m a little late again, but look at how much this girly has grown in just a month! And, doesn’t she just look happier to be alive? For the most part, she is. She still has her moments (and entire days), but in this past week or so we’ve started to really get into a groove (knock on wood). 

I’m a little worried about how much she loves the swaddle considering the fact that I know she can’t sleep like that forever. I haven’t done the research regarding how long it’s safe to continue swaddling because Knox never really enjoyed the swaddle (he fought it, in fact), but hopefully she’s got a while to go because this little burrito just loves being snug and tight. She still refuses to fall asleep on her own, though. She’s got to be walked, bounced, rocked, or worn down to sleep…preferably in a quiet room with white noise (spoiled? maybe, but hey whatever works, I’m sticking to it!). After that it’s usually smooth sailing for around 8-9 hours at night. Her naps during the day are getting longer, too! 

Her character is starting to show. Her smiles are so sweet. I can barely hold back the tears each time she looks me directly in the eyes and grins that great big gummy grin. She’s soft, new, wide-eyed and flawless. I’m breathless, full of life and grateful. 

I also noticed something different about her. I don’ think that this is something I’ve projected onto her just because she is a girl, but here’s what happened.

The other day, I was having a “moment” (I was feeling overwhelmed and hormonal and generally overly emotional) and I was alone in the room with Lately. She was lying on the floor contently and I was folding clothes and weeping quietly while I sat next to her. I know this seems ridiculous, but the look on her face when she looked into my eyes was one of true compassion. I have seen this exact expression before in my mom’s face the many times I’ve shed tears in front of her…and it had the same affect. It didn’t make all of my emotions go away, but it told me that it would all really, truly be okay. Plenty of people in my life have hugged me and let me cry on their shoulder and told me “it’s going to be okay,” and it’s always made me feel better, but I’ve never felt that instant warm, homey, real comfort just from looking at someone’s face unless it was my mom’s…until now. Knox cheers me up with his silly giggles and sweet hugs all the time; Tarrell gives me a feeling of protection and security like no other. But this feeling, it’s difficult to articulate, but it’s real and it’s always just what I need to wipe the tears away and continue. My hope, however, is that I don’t give her too many reasons to look at me like this for the rest of her life, I don’t want her bearing my crosses. My real hope is that I will always somehow provide that same feeling for her when she needs it, because, unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, she’ll need it at some point in her little life, and I can’t imagine feeling more compassion for sadness than when I see it in the eyes of my own little ones.

Just two months old and she’s already fixing problems with her perfect little face, just imagine what lies in store for her and anyone who is blessed enough to know her.

Odds are, if you’re a parent, you know who Sandra Boynton is. You probably either love or hate her books. I know a few people who can’t stand her, but we are huge fans here in our house. We have several of her books, but our favorite series is the “Little Pookie” series. 

One of his first bedtime books was “Night Night, Little Pookie.” It was a gift from my mom. I used to read it to Knox every night before bed when he was a baby. I would cry at the end of the book (because I’m ridiculous) when I read this part:

“There are gentle winds blowing and stars all above you. Night Night, Little Pookie, I love you and love you. And love you and love you and love you and love you.”

And I would add on a bunch more “I love yous” just to make my point :) I love the simplicity of the book, and the end expresses exactly how I feel every time I put him to bed: like I can’t tell him how much I love him enough. Hopefully Lately will love the book as much as we all do when I whisper those last words in her ear before she drifts off to sleep each night.

I worried and I worried and I worried about how Knox would react to his little sister. This worry plagued me throughout most of my pregnancy, especially towards the end. I imagined him screaming in protest, his whole world flipped upside-down. I assumed I would have no time for him, that our bond would be strained, that the wonderful friendship we had grown over the past 2 years would be so different, that he would no longer be a Mommy’s boy…

Nothing could be further from the truth. From the moment he laid eyes on her, Knox has been nothing but positive, happy, sweet, gentle and completely loving towards Lately. He wants her where he is at all times. There were some scary moments in the first few days home where his bounding toddler body came a little too close for comfort to her delicate newborn head, and, of course, he would squeeze a bit too hard or get a little too close with a very hard, heavy plastic dinosaur…but, for the most part, he has been better than I could have ever imagined. I kick myself for doubting him - how could I forget what an amazing little man I have on my hands? How could I not know he would love her endlessly and be her protector? He has made me so proud.

The things he says to her are so cute. My favorite so far is “Cool dress, baby!” But he’s also said “I love baby” (he’s never said “I love Mommy or Daddy!”), which pretty much had me in a puddle on the floor. 

He loves to try to play dinosaurs with her, hold her on his lap, lay with her & pretend he’s sleeping, pat her back to help burp her and give her LOTS of kisses right on the lips. He even tried to get me to let her sleep in his bed with him the first night she was home! 

It’s hard to believe how much my smart, perfect and oh so full of love little man has taught me. This is just another one of those times where he’s led the way, knowing all along exactly what to do while I slip and stumble behind him trying to catch up.

Several people have asked how the name “Lately” came to be a name, rather than just a word. Believe it or not, there’s a story behind it. A cheesy, silly, sweet little story that goes something like this…

When Tarrell and I first got together (in those early days of falling in love that became littered with long, long talks, overnight phone calls, childish grins and giggles, endlessly staring headlong into our bright future as one), we were savoring one of our longest talks, hanging on each other’s every word and trying to learn every detail we could possibly learn about each other.

He looked at me with his adorable puffy lips and dimpled smile and said he wanted to know more, but he couldn’t think of another question to ask. He pondered it for a moment then asked, shrugging his shoulders, “What’s your favorite letter?”

I wasn’t quite sure if I had a favorite letter, but after carefully considering my answer, I answered definitively, “L.” I’d always loved the sound it made, it seemed to me like the prettiest letter in the alphabet.

He smiled and followed up quickly with his second question, “What’s your favorite number?” I had the same reaction I’d had to the first question, but again contemplated and decided it was the number 8. (It’s a nice, aesthetically pleasing, symmetrical even number, isn’t it though?).

Without thinking at all, he looked in my eyes and said casually, “If you ever have a daughter, you should name her Lately.” My heart melted, the future I had always hoped for seemed so tangible to me for the first time in my life. I think I knew in that moment that he would be the the love of my life and the father of my children.

The name stuck with us over the years. As we grew closer and realized we wanted to spend our lives together, we would refer to Lately often. She became a constant in our relationship. We would light-heartedly plan our future together and she was always a part of it, she was the symbol of our love and commitment to each other day after day.

Being a mother has been my greatest joy thus far in life, as I knew it would be from a very young age. Meeting my baby boy and watching him grow is my dream come true everyday and having my baby girl is not just icing on the cake, but it truly makes me feel whole in a brand new way. We struggled for two long years to conceive Knox, so when I discovered I had effortlessly become pregnant with Lately I was in disbelief of how blessed we were. And when the ultra-sound technician announced we were having a girl, I squealed with excitement and her name rung through my ears as the tears formed in my eyes.

Since it is so unique, I’m sure people will have their opinions about her name throughout the years, but hopefully she will be able to love it and proudly wear it as the symbol of love that it has become to us over the years.

my love is building a building
around you, a frail slippery
house, a strong fragile house
(beginning at the singular beginning

of your smile)

~e.e. cummings

Yep. That’s pretty much all I think about these days.

I read somewhere that if a pregnant mother has fears that she hasn’t addressed or if she feels unprepared, that her body can slow down the birthing process. I started feeling contractions on Monday and it really felt like things were getting serious, and, I’ll admit, I was nervous and feeling not quite ready.

So, this week has been all about mental preparation and crossing off my to-do list items. I decided it was time to get everything done that I had been putting off and get it out of my head so that I can be clear and focused. I want my mind and body clear for this birth. I understand that things can’t always be mapped out exactly the way I want them to be, and I’ve accepted that. Tarrell has been instrumental in helping me address my fears about giving birth and also about being away from Knox for longer than I’d like and I am so thankful to have him as a partner through this. He is going to be the best support I could ever ask for, I can tell.

Now I finally feel like I have come to terms with all of the things that have been nagging at me for the past several months. I’ve typed up my special requests for the hospital staff (I’m sure they’re waiting with bated breath to read it!), I’ve packed the bags, studied my breathing and labor positioning techniques, I’ve cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned my house… I’ve even created a music playlist for the big event (I amused myself by adding some relevant titles to the list such as Cat Stevens’ I’m On My Way!, The Verve’s The Drugs Don’t Work, The Elected’s Come On, Mom and Don’t Blow It, and Sam Bush’s King of the World. Maybe I’ll post the rest of the list later? It’s a good one.)

So, now that all of that is done I’ve kind of started creating things that weren’t really on my list, or doing things on my list that I kind-of, never really intended to do before she came. Not that I’m swimming in extra time here, I should be lying down and resting while Knox is napping but my brain won’t turn off, so I end up inventing things that have to get done.

Hopefully, she won’t wait around too much longer. I’m ready to experience this birth, meet this little person and get back home and started with our new lives.