my world, my true

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The challenges of being a mother of two are currently overwhelming me. Life is constantly changing; pulling the rug out from under me on a daily basis, throwing me for loops, slipping through my fingers, keeping me on my toes (I’m sure there are more idioms I could list, but I’ll stop there). I know Tarrell feels the same way, we’re both just trying to keep our heads above water (there’s another one) most of the time and it’s got me constantly thinking and working (mostly in my head because, you know, time) on ways to make things easier on us all.

Maybe if I organize the closets, stick to a cleaning schedule, create and follow a daily routine for the kids… then maybe I won’t feel so out of control. Because really what it all comes down to is a lack of control, a lack of order, a lack of independence. My mind tells me that if I fix all of these little things that are bothering me, then my life will be easy. My mind is a liar, and I know it. It tricks me all the time, so why do I continue to trust it? Because it tells me who I am. It helps me cope with my stress, it gives me purpose and strength and goals to work towards. I crave structure and cleanliness and routine, as much as I would like to forget that part of myself and just go with the flow, it’s not who I am.

But, I recognize the need to find a balance. Practicality is what my family needs me to be okay with. Imperfection is what they need me to accept about myself, my house, and, most of all, about them. I’ve never been good at letting things go, I cling. I obsess. I analyze. I question. But, when it comes to my family’s well-being I’ll do just about anything. So, my new promise to my family, and to myself, is to (gradually) let it go. Maintaining balance, of course, I’m recognizing the needs of those who need me most and putting them before my own. I know there will be plenty of things I can not change about myself. There are those habits that are so engrained in me that I cannot imagine living without them, and accepting myself is an important part of that balance, too. Finding a place for the things I can’t control and learning to be at peace with them, that’s where I need to be.

Make room for the chaos…my new philosophy. Won’t you join me?