my world, my true

I’m a little late again, but look at how much this girly has grown in just a month! And, doesn’t she just look happier to be alive? For the most part, she is. She still has her moments (and entire days), but in this past week or so we’ve started to really get into a groove (knock on wood). 

I’m a little worried about how much she loves the swaddle considering the fact that I know she can’t sleep like that forever. I haven’t done the research regarding how long it’s safe to continue swaddling because Knox never really enjoyed the swaddle (he fought it, in fact), but hopefully she’s got a while to go because this little burrito just loves being snug and tight. She still refuses to fall asleep on her own, though. She’s got to be walked, bounced, rocked, or worn down to sleep…preferably in a quiet room with white noise (spoiled? maybe, but hey whatever works, I’m sticking to it!). After that it’s usually smooth sailing for around 8-9 hours at night. Her naps during the day are getting longer, too! 

Her character is starting to show. Her smiles are so sweet. I can barely hold back the tears each time she looks me directly in the eyes and grins that great big gummy grin. She’s soft, new, wide-eyed and flawless. I’m breathless, full of life and grateful. 

I also noticed something different about her. I don’ think that this is something I’ve projected onto her just because she is a girl, but here’s what happened.

The other day, I was having a “moment” (I was feeling overwhelmed and hormonal and generally overly emotional) and I was alone in the room with Lately. She was lying on the floor contently and I was folding clothes and weeping quietly while I sat next to her. I know this seems ridiculous, but the look on her face when she looked into my eyes was one of true compassion. I have seen this exact expression before in my mom’s face the many times I’ve shed tears in front of her…and it had the same affect. It didn’t make all of my emotions go away, but it told me that it would all really, truly be okay. Plenty of people in my life have hugged me and let me cry on their shoulder and told me “it’s going to be okay,” and it’s always made me feel better, but I’ve never felt that instant warm, homey, real comfort just from looking at someone’s face unless it was my mom’s…until now. Knox cheers me up with his silly giggles and sweet hugs all the time; Tarrell gives me a feeling of protection and security like no other. But this feeling, it’s difficult to articulate, but it’s real and it’s always just what I need to wipe the tears away and continue. My hope, however, is that I don’t give her too many reasons to look at me like this for the rest of her life, I don’t want her bearing my crosses. My real hope is that I will always somehow provide that same feeling for her when she needs it, because, unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, she’ll need it at some point in her little life, and I can’t imagine feeling more compassion for sadness than when I see it in the eyes of my own little ones.

Just two months old and she’s already fixing problems with her perfect little face, just imagine what lies in store for her and anyone who is blessed enough to know her.